Monokuro Boo

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 4:37 PM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...

turned 23 last monday, though i have'nt celebrated yet because i am still waiting for payday lol...my cousins and i drank last sunday (sinalubong namin ang aking kaarawan...hehehehe) and after that we went out for coffee. my dearest cousin who is very sweet thought of buying me a slice of starbucks' oreo cheesecake because it was past midnight and technically it was already my birthday. so we sat there at the balcony of starbuck morato and spent a couple more hours talking and laughing out loud. i had so much fun and that is always how things are when i'm with my cousins. we always manage to find things to talk and laugh about. so even if the day itself was'nt a bash, i enjoyed it none the less. i was just kindda sad because i was able to file for a vacation leave from work but george was not able to, so we basically did not spend time that day which sucks :(.

however, i'm still looking forward this coming friday because we have planned to go swimming with my team, family and friends to have a post birthday celebration. i'm very excited. :)

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Friday, November 24, 2006 8:46 PM

I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate -- it's apathy. It's not giving a damn.

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Saturday, November 18, 2006 4:55 PM

...fourth...

november 18th marked our fourth month together...

four months of petty arguements and kiss-and-make-up...

four months of driving each other crazy.

four months of trying to survive each other.

four months of finding reasons to continue loving each other day after day despite the differences.

...we have four months, and hopefully a lot more to come.

i know it would'nt be easy, nothing is...

...and if i did'nt know any better, there would be times that it would be worse.

however, i'd rather go through all that...

...because, what the heck? at least i get to go through it...

...with you...

...happy fourth hon...

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Thursday, November 16, 2006 8:36 PM

after my shift yesterday i went out with a friend. with all the things that has been happening i know i needed someone to talk to...to tell me things i already know but for some stubborn reason needs to hear it from somebody else.

we talked about a lot of things over bottles of beer and sizzling sisig. finally, i was able to voice out all the things that has been bothering me for quite some time now. i was a little surprised because for the first time, i did not cry. although i know there was some moments during the conversation that i could feel my tears about to break.

i was hurting...and i still am. maybe he was right when a friend told me "...history repeats itself becasue we paid little attention to why it happened the first time..."

thanks mel for the drinking session that i desperately needed yesterday, i really appreciated the company and i got to know you more which i think is great. the amazing conversation made us lose track of time. and before we know it, it was dark and we have condumed 15 bottles of san mig lights, a bunch of pica pica, a mango juice and a leche flan (for yours truly who was starting to get drunk..hehehe)...i hope we can do it again.

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 5:29 PM

“Love is a minefield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that’s human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.”---- Love And Sex

i'm so tired of writing about our petty arguements and misunderstandings... this blog has been a shrine of nothing but my rantings about our so called "relationship".

we argue and we patch things up only to repeat the same mistakes over and over...we never learn.
yesterday i did something other people might consider stupid... funny, but i feel anything but stupid now.
yesterday, i know i have crossed some borders and i know i would'nt be able to retrace my steps, not that it matters because i'm really starting not to care. i had a great time and it made me forget all my woes even for just a few hours. we had this animated conversation about specifically nothing at all but none the less i felt good. i have'nt been able to connect like that with my current beau, which is the only reason why i am a little sad.

the person i was with yesterday listened to me, and i think that is one of the greatest things that he ever did for me. he was'nt half there...he was'nt physically present but mentally absent...which is more than i could say about you hon.

he was not pretending to listen like what you are apparently very good at...he genuinely cared...and more than anything that breaks my heart...because he was everything that you should be...

... and yet i do not have the heart to walk away from "us". even if sometimes i think that the concept of us being "us" is just a fragment of my imagination.

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Saturday, November 11, 2006 7:43 PM

in loving and losing....

got this text message from you just as i was preparing to leave for work...i believe you already read my letter...you said something like "...there's not enough words...but...thanks...anyway...so long...bye bye baby...". i would have replied something melodramatic but i stopped...i need to get used to this, because even if i begged you to leave me alone, i know at some point, you still won't...and i have to be prepared for that. i don't want you catching me off guard again...vulnerable. i answered plainly..."yes, there is not enough words for you to say...problem is you just want to say it...you don't come around to do it, yeah...goodbye.." i wish it would be the last time i would have to tell him that. and as if on cue, when i opened a notebook, i found this piece of paper where a once wrote this some lines from a book,it said:

"when you lose somebody and you are not expecting it, you don't lose them all at once; you lose them in pieces over a long time -- the way the mail stops coming and their scent fades from the pillows or clothes in drawers and closets. gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. just when the day comes -- when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that they are gone...forever -- then there comes another day, and another specifically missing part..."

A PRAYER FOR OWEN MEANY
John Irving

yes,this rings true. for it takes a certain amount of time for us to get used to the fact that they are gone...forever...

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 7:48 PM

was'nt able to come to work yesterday. a friend,mimi crashed at home and we got engrossed in talking about our respective fucked up love lives,i was'nt able to sleep.

i told her everything, i cried because i was not able to do so the past few days. her presence was a relief, she made me feel a whole lot better.we had this conversation:

mimi:don't expect the "he" would really let go of you, even if you almost begged him to.

mimi:"he loves you in a very selfish way, he's not going to let you off the hook that easily...".

me: "why?, he already made a choice. he stayed with her. he chose to hurt me and abandon me again for the nth time".

mimi:"he did'nt abandon you, you made that decision for him..."

i was quiet. i started thinking. how can a person say he loves you more than he loves the other person, when he can't leave her for you? how can he love me more but chooses to protect her feelings instead of mine? how can i believe him after hearing him give her the exact same words he gave me?he promised her exactly what he promised me.

i was supposed to argue with her however,as if reading my mind she told me "you don't expect him to leave the only person that was there for him when his whole world came tumbling down after you were gone..., it's not the sense of loyalty that kept him from leaving her,he does not want to hurt her because he knows after all that has happened, she does not deserve that.

me: "and i deserve it, is that what you are telling me?"

mimi: "no. but sometimes we need to take ourselves outside the frame to see the bigger picture. you should'nt expect him to leave her just because you are back.he can't walk away from her...in almost the same light that he can't let you walk away"

complicated? tell me about it.

mimi: "he will be back,just you wait and see..."

me: "but i don't want him to be back if he is still with her.i'm not even sure if at this point, i still want him to ever come back in my life. i thought that people given their second chance, would be different. not entirely different, but just enough to merit the opportunity given them. but i was wrong. maybe part of it was my fault. maybe i gave him this impression that i love him so much that i'll always be around."

mimi:yeah...maybe you did...maybe at some point in our lives,we all did...but you know, i envy you.

me:why? we are in the same fucked up situation, what makes me any different from you?

she: because you were able to say goodbye...it does not matter if that was the hundreth time,but you managed to do so.the difference between us is that you want to liberate yourself from the situation, not sink deeper into it.and i believe that you sincerely wish he'd go away and leave you alone. although it would hurt and it would break your heart,at least you know what you want and have the guts to tell him..."hey,if you can't love me,set me free...". i on the other hand...can't. i'm afraid he'll actually do it and let me go...forever..."

i'm also afraid mi, if that makes you feel any better.
i'm also afraid that he would really walk out that door and vanish from my life forever...i may appear ready for it,but there's still a part of me that is not...and i guess will never be.

but what can i do? personally, i believe he already made a choice,and that is to spend and rebuild the rest of his life with someone else.i may be the person that he loves but she is the one he chose to be with.

tough luck...yeah.shit happens everyday.

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Saturday, November 04, 2006 8:44 PM

FOLLOW ME TO THE END OF THE ROPE...

abused...that is one word that can describe what i feel right now.

emotionally and financially abused.

as far as i can remember, never..not even once had i found myself engaged in an arguement with my significant other about money.

i'm not really the generous type, but i don't mind spending a little for the people i care about. and when i do, i don't find myself using that against them nor do i go around and complain about the fact that i spend more than they do to anyone who would care to listen.
i feel good when i do something for the ones i love. i'm happy seeing them happy. but i always believed that there is always a line that we need to draw. that does'nt mean that you love the person less but you just want to remind him that girlfriend IS NOT = ATM.

i dont mind paying for food and dates the first few times, all i wanted was to spend time with you. i did'nt even mind giving you some gas money because i thought "hey, the guy fetches me to and fro work most of the time, why not cut him some slack by pitching in some gas money.." so i did. not long after that, i started paying for your lunch and guess what? your gas expenses almost on a daily basis. ggeezzz...how stupid can i get? for the first few months, i remained composed, i told myself this all would pass. but no, i did'nt. because you continuously abuse me or maybe i let you continuously abuse me...there's a difference.

so i came to the end of my rope, and like a dormant volcano that has'nt errupted for a long time...i finally did.
for god's sake you're not a bum. we work for the same company, you even make more than i do! i don't want to ask you where you spend your money because it is your money, and i'm in no position to demand that information, but for you to expect me to give you allowance for food and gas when you get to spend yours , saying that it is unfair is an understatement.

i'm angry but a larger part of me is sad. disappointed. i don't know, words fail to describe what i'm feeling right now. more than i want to blame you, i think i have myself to blame too. this happened because i let it happen.
it's hard when you tend to believe in the best of people because more often that not you're just in for helluva lot of disappointments.

♥MONOKURO BOO♥

Thursday, November 02, 2006 8:03 PM

"there are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that don't go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishesyou forever."--- Ally Mc Beal

i often find myself wondering if the concept of "the one" exists. you know that one person that you are destined to be with for the rest of your life. the person that you most of the time read about or watch in sappy movies and books. the person that is by far only a fabric of our imagination...or mine rather. i'm scared to think that there is this small possibility that i may already have found "him"..."the one" and may have lost him somehow. how do you deal with the fact that it was there in front of you but you choose to let go or worse you could'nt make him stay.

..sigh..

♥MONOKURO BOO♥