it was almost a while now since i last felt paranoid. i dare not say that i do not know the reason behind such paranoia because i believe that the relationship i have now is the root of it all.
it's not being able to trust your significant other completely.
it's like being afraid thinking that he would jump at the next girl who come flirting his way.
it's not holding on to the truth of his word thinking that he would be making up half truths and whole lies.
it's going crazy over things that may not be transpiring.
it's disappointing because it would be like admitting that you do not know the person enough to trust him.
it's shameful because you might be already accusing him a lot of things inside your head while he tries to be the best for you...
showing you the best of who he is, which you fail to see because your paranoia is getting the best of you.
we get paranoid because we are afraid of the unknown. because we would rather sink beneath the shadow of doubt all the time than risk our feelings getting hurt once we realized we have invested so much emotions only to be betrayed in the end.
but that's how it is right?
i have been in a number of failed relationships long enough to know that pain is synonymous to love. it's two faces of the same coin. you can neither escape it nor avoid it...it's enevitable...it's bound to happen sooner or later. it could not be helped because the only time you could tell yourself that you indeed had loved, is the time you actually feel the pain.
after those failed relationships, though it did not make me completely cynical about love, it traumatized me to the extent that once people start to get close to breaking the wall i have built around myself, i withdraw. i push them away and hurt them before they even get the chance to hurt me.
i made it my defense mechanism. my only armor from the pain.
so,i'm apologizing as early as now to you.
do not be decieved by mask i wear,it's for protection.
do not be afraid if i wear a frown on my face,it's for me to hide the tears.
do not even leave if i push you away, i know it's too much to ask, but i would appreciate it if you stay.
bear with me,i know i'm going to get over my fears one day. when that day finally comes, there's nothing more that would make me happy than to see your hand still holding mine.
i want to get through all of this with you, so please...
be patient.
i know it's hard, but try to see beyond the facade. try to break my wall, for i know soon it would crumble and once again...
...i'd fall...
♥MONOKURO BOO♥