i told her everything, i cried because i was not able to do so the past few days. her presence was a relief, she made me feel a whole lot better.we had this conversation:
mimi:don't expect the "he" would really let go of you, even if you almost begged him to.
mimi:"he loves you in a very selfish way, he's not going to let you off the hook that easily...".
me: "why?, he already made a choice. he stayed with her. he chose to hurt me and abandon me again for the nth time".
mimi:"he did'nt abandon you, you made that decision for him..."
i was quiet. i started thinking. how can a person say he loves you more than he loves the other person, when he can't leave her for you? how can he love me more but chooses to protect her feelings instead of mine? how can i believe him after hearing him give her the exact same words he gave me?he promised her exactly what he promised me.
i was supposed to argue with her however,as if reading my mind she told me "you don't expect him to leave the only person that was there for him when his whole world came tumbling down after you were gone..., it's not the sense of loyalty that kept him from leaving her,he does not want to hurt her because he knows after all that has happened, she does not deserve that.
me: "and i deserve it, is that what you are telling me?"
mimi: "no. but sometimes we need to take ourselves outside the frame to see the bigger picture. you should'nt expect him to leave her just because you are back.he can't walk away from her...in almost the same light that he can't let you walk away"
complicated? tell me about it.
mimi: "he will be back,just you wait and see..."
me: "but i don't want him to be back if he is still with her.i'm not even sure if at this point, i still want him to ever come back in my life. i thought that people given their second chance, would be different. not entirely different, but just enough to merit the opportunity given them. but i was wrong. maybe part of it was my fault. maybe i gave him this impression that i love him so much that i'll always be around."
mimi:yeah...maybe you did...maybe at some point in our lives,we all did...but you know, i envy you.
me:why? we are in the same fucked up situation, what makes me any different from you?
she: because you were able to say goodbye...it does not matter if that was the hundreth time,but you managed to do so.the difference between us is that you want to liberate yourself from the situation, not sink deeper into it.and i believe that you sincerely wish he'd go away and leave you alone. although it would hurt and it would break your heart,at least you know what you want and have the guts to tell him..."hey,if you can't love me,set me free...". i on the other hand...can't. i'm afraid he'll actually do it and let me go...forever..."
i'm also afraid mi, if that makes you feel any better.
i'm also afraid that he would really walk out that door and vanish from my life forever...i may appear ready for it,but there's still a part of me that is not...and i guess will never be.
but what can i do? personally, i believe he already made a choice,and that is to spend and rebuild the rest of his life with someone else.i may be the person that he loves but she is the one he chose to be with.
tough luck...yeah.shit happens everyday.
♥MONOKURO BOO♥